Excuse me while I white-splain something.
Back in September, I became aware of a prejudice I have. I didn’t even realize I had it until Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj got into it at the VMAs.
And people say Miley and Nicki aren’t good for anything.
This prejudice? It’s called tone policing.
I totally do all of this, I thought.
It’s when a marginalized group of people (think: racial minorities) speak about about an issue they are facing, and people don’t pay attention to what they said, but rather how they said it.
Think: when Bernie Sanders was interrupted by #BlackLivesMatter protesters and the news covered how rude it was, not the issues they were bringing up.
I would always justify my tone policing by saying things like “well, I understand where you’re coming from, but maybe you should talk about it differently.”
Well you know what? Minority groups are sick of hearing that. They’re frustrated and aren’t heard when they talk about issues calmly.
I don’t have much experience with this first-hand, being in the dominant racial group, but I can still help. And so can you.
Since realizing my tendency toward tone policing, I’ve tried to be more understanding. When someone from a minority group gets angry about an issue, I try to push certain thoughts away. Thoughts that tell me this person is making their cause look bad. Or maybe if they were nicer about it, I would agree with them. Or this person is hurting my feelings, so whatever they have is moot.
What we need to realize is that it isn’t about us. It’s not about how they make us feel.
It’s about how they are feeling and the issues they are experiencing.
So before you start tone policing, think about what they are actually saying and what might be causing them to feel so emotional about it. They might have a pretty damn good reason.
never had thought much about this but I see how it can all work together
Yeah, it’s crazy how many times we are prejudiced and don’t even realize!
I look at it from a parent point of view. If my child spoke to me in a harsh way, definitely not the way to have your point of view heard. And I say that. We wouldn’t allow children to talk to us that way, why is it OK to do it as an adult? I like watching protests, I often learn a lot about a situation from them. These are the people in the thick of it. But if I am seeing people screaming, being angry, and sometimes violent? I automatically will not listen to you. If you can’t convey a message in a peaceful, calm way, then you aren’t effective, you’re just angry. Nobody is going to make that person happy at that moment. Oftentimes, even if you agree with them, they’ll get angry at you anyways. I think the #BlackLivesMatter movement had a valid issue. But to take it to the level it’s gone, and to actively say to buck the law and/or be violent towards police officers? It’s wrong. It’s wrong and their original message gets swallowed and that’s sad.
I totally agree about the violence part. Violence is never the answer. But I feel like if I were in their shoes, I’d be angry, too.
I think it’s really hard to separate the two. I know we really should listen to what is being said, but when someone is yelling or screaming it, it’s hard to take it seriously or take it the right way. Obviously, they are passionate about something, but unfortunately, your message gets lost if you can’t get it across in a better manner.
I totally agree that it’s super hard to take yelling and screaming the right way. That’s why I’m trying to at least be conscious of this prejudice I have. Even if I don’t necessarily agree with them, I try to think about why they are saying it AND why they’re so upset about whatever they’re saying.
I haven’t thought about this topic for awhile! Thank you for making me aware of a potential blind spot! Awareness is one of the first ways that we combat this.
Exactly! Glad I could help. 🙂
Wow this really made me think. I probably do this all the time. ugh 🙁